broken ankle

I just haven't felt that much like blogging lately. That, and I love lopsided ponytail daisy, and I like to see her when I log onto my page.

When I was about 3, I think, my next-door neighbor, Jimmy Mallory, was pushing me on a tricycle--because my feet didn't reach the pedals (one of those old fashionedy kinds. the taller than usual type) and my leg got caught in the spokes. The ankle didn't hold up well, and broke.

My mom and Jeannie Morrison raced me to the emergency room in our then family car ('66 ragtop Stingray Corvette) and I apparently couldn't be calmed. Afraid to get the cast, the doctor put one on my baby doll, too. I still have the doll with the cast (except one day I washed her hair, so now all she has is this sumo wrestler pigtail on top of her head) anyway...I finally got the cast. BUT, I refused to walk for almost the entire time I had it on. Parents were tired of toting lopsided ponytail daisy around, and lopsided ponytail daisy was tired of hopping on one foot---hence the pink horsie.

Surprisingly, as an adult (which I just had a conversation about today...I still find it difficult to refer to myself as a woman (not that I feel like a man) but woman is definitely grown up, and I have a hard time picturing myself as that)
any way, as a 38 year old, I'm really not scared of tangible things like that.
Still working on the intangibles~


Some years later, Jimmy Mallory also delivered to me my first kiss. It had tongue, and tasted like cigarettes. He used to bribe me...smokes for kisses. (it worked back then) Now, he lives in North Carolina, or something, and can't go back in Michigan, or he'll go directly to the pen'.

that's it.
have a nice day.

NOW

I have realized that the past and the future are real illusions, that they exist only in the present, which is what there is and all that there is.

alan watts

HNT then and now...

moreso lately, I am lopsided ponytail daisy....

instead of modern art daisy....

I love that pink horsie riding girl.

The naked one has her moments, too.

I wonder what 75 year old daisy will be like...

go to sleep y'little baby

I looked at a 6week old baby today. she smelled like cigarettes and her jammies were almost too small. she had a rash on her face and a Mama who loves her like the dickens. baby girl was fighting sleep, trying to stay awake and take in every single bit of life that she could. she was so sleepy. as she fussed, i scooped her up in my arms and rocked her until she finally slept. during those moments i didn't think of empty marriages or beds, unfulfilled dreams or too tight jeans. i looked at that child and wondered what i could give her at that very moment. anything to soothe her soul and allow her to sleep in peace. i was happy to hold that new miracle in my arms. happy she trusted me and happy that i knew exactly what to do. I wondered about the birthmark on her eyelid. It made me a little sad, because I knew that one day she'd cry to her mommy when the kids made fun of her. I'm sure the rash will go away in a few weeks, but know that the lingering effects from that smoke she breathes everyday will make her cough more than she has to. I thought about what she's gonna look like when her hair grows in. Pink dress and a matching bow in her pony tail (thank you george strait) I'm so certain that our exchange today meant as much to her as it did to me.
I wonder what it is about the purity of babies--their complete innocence...I wonder what it is about babies and me that attract...wonder if we attract because of the ones I've not had. It is an honest inquiry. one with no answer, i'm sure of that.

sunday night

so, this weekend, I went back to my old life.
I sought comfort in the arms of another. twice.
we sat and talked about stuff we'd never said before. we kissed whenever we felt like it. we laughed and drank and had fun. we giggled as we dialed charlotte's number. we went to my house and had different sex than we ever have before. it was sweet. we saw things in a different light. then, my friends' brother went home to his wife and kids.
last night I went out with his sister. unbeknownst to her, the events of friday night...I laughed and danced and went home with Roger with an I. only after we salsa danced to every conceivable type of music a hot club can play, did we go to the den where they serve vodka all night long. in his uncluttered abode, we talked and sang along to Nora Jones tunes. after we slowdanced in his kitchen, we retired to the bed with the egyptian cotton sheets. not your typical torrid hook-up. there was no disappointment in what he saw or what happened between us. drawing me close to his warm skin, I slept with this stranger well into the day.

some time ago, I tried to break my cycle of strange bedfellows. Realizing that there is no comfort once the other person has to go home, I got that something is not always better than nothing. and my affection/attention addiction is not resolved. I am only 8 hours back on the wagon. in all of my transformation and inspiration, i still lose track of me. there are tears in my eyes. i don't want to go to work tomorrow, and I don't want to sleep in my own egyptian cotton sheets alone.
it's been months since I've made the decision not to accept booty calls from my friends' brother; since i decided to honor the instition that has eluded me.
I have stayed home countless weekends, and have made myself unapproachable, so that weekends like this don't happen. because i make myself bad and wrong. even though i am not. what i am is lonesome and wondering. wondering what you think of me. questioning what my life is. who the fuck I am and what difference any of this makes.
sometimes i'm so sure. sometimes i absolutely know i'm living the possibilities the world has to offer. other times not so much. i'm not depressed nor do I feel like I can't make it through another day. i am emotional. there's no full moon, and i'm not starting my period. i wonder if it's because i'm on the brink of discovery. what's to become of me? i'm weary. and did I say lonely? yeah. i'm smart and funny and look great in that black dress. i feel and hurt and give. and give and give and give. sometimes people try and give to me. acceptance is really the issue here. not mine of you. but yours of me. and mostly, mine of me.
my old life is not what i want for my now life or my future life. sometimes it seems like such a comfort. it never really is, though. 's like when i ate out of control two weeks ago. it tasted good, but now my pants don't fit. same thing here. it was fun, but now i'm ashamed to say that's me. again.

Lame HNT

Get it?
Lame?
there's my leg?
I overslept this morning and this is all I got!

what are words for

It's cold tonight.
My feet are cold even though I am wearing fuzzy slippers.
I don't know why he hasn't called, even though I don't really know who he is.
She's sleeping, I am not.
what to wear.
never belly flat.
new hairdo.
dead dad spoke
I miss my grandmother
mmmm...sunny hot beach
cold cosmo with ice shavings
longing for the next first kiss
new friends
new language
old stuff left behind wanting to come along
tulips
taxes
santa clauses around my house still
silence
not cute today
needy
lonesome
glimpses of what
i wanna see brokeback mountain
divine intelligence please speak up
declaration
worthy
i love big macs
handle bar mustached daddy
lopsided pigtail girl
wish I may wish I might
it's cold tonight.

HNT moon

There's something soothing about the light of the moon. I had no time to snap any pics today...these are lunar shots of yore....

Have a Coke and a Smile

I love that Coke commercial they used to show at Christmastime...where they were everyone was standing with candles, swaying, singing"I'd like to teach the world to sing...in perfect harmony...I'd like to buy the world a coke...and keep it company..."

Those of you closet shrinks, you have a real case on your hands:
for the past 3 days I've been eating salmon etal...until today~
today's menu was exactly this:
morning dose of GreensFirst/vitamins
1 can mini-ravioli
peas
little salad with turkey and raspberry vinegrette
some chocolate
a couple starbursts
1 big mac
1 order fries
1 regular coca-cola
2 pieces fried chicken
1/2 cup coleslaw
1 biscuit-n-honey
32 oz coca-cola
12 more ounces coca-cola
some water

my friend charlotte suggested that I may be binging?

CRY FOR HELP

If you have the slightest idea how to make mustard greens, swiss chard, and spinach - with salmon on top, taste like a Big Mac...I BESEECH you... let me know immediately!!!!!!
Also, any structural engineers with any ideas about how to get all of this back into these jeans, I'd be happy to help illustrate this for your journal publishing.

Brand new year

2005 is complete. I declare it so.
I so get what NEW year celebration is about now.
Any feelings or business or whatever that resonates from 2005 is done.
No need to carry ANY part of the past with me; I just got that 2005 is my past.
Not only that, I am allowed to let everything go:
jobs I'm not satisfied with--I can quit trying to satisfy myself with them. Let one go, and work on the other.
I haven't talked to cute boy in 2006. I'm not quite to the point where I can say "oh well" , but I cannot make him want me, nor do I want to try and talk him into it.
I can make amends if I so choose...or not.
This is even a new year for me and my mom.
I don't have to continue to feel ashamed or bad for anything I have or have not done.
Talk about weight loss! This realization has just lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
If I'd considered this a week ago, I'd have realized the celebration for what it was, and not just for what it wasn't.
I hope I don't forget this~

New Year, old dress

The story behind my return HNT is as follows:

Several years ago, I lost about 280 pounds. 230 were his, and 50-mine. I bought this dress to go to a New Year's Eve party at a hotel.(without him) I'll never forget the look on my friend Kate's face when she saw me in it.
"WHAT are you wearing that for?!" she exclaimed.
I was on cloud nine. I felt like I'd be the most gorgeous person at the Hyatt that night. I told her "if you had what I've got, you'd wear this dress, too!" I have gotten more than my money's worth with that purchase. Over and over again, I have been the belle of the ball--even if only in MY mind~
Just for shits and grins, last night I put that dress on. As I zipped the zipper, I wondered when I'd get to wear it again. After the zipper closed, I stood back and looked into the mirror.
Damn.
I'd want to dance with me...

The Stones

I get that is seems like my happiness revolves around how any given man feels about me at any given time. It's not just that, really. Other things in my life aren't working right now, either. My relationship with my mom is tenative, to say the least. Although I have money today (i did misplace $1200 cash for a few hours yesterday), I worry about how to keep that pot full. and at Dusty's insistance, I am forced to realize that there may be some contributing factors I had not even considered.
I created a project for peace. Inspired at the thought of it, it was born from love and knowledge that we can all have it. I got people interested, and have just left them hanging. without explanation. I have committed to several things that I'd like to do...but suddenly have abandoned them. I think it has to do with realizing my power. I know I have it. If I keep my agreements, I'm gonna have to live up to that. If I sabbotage, then I can just keep flying below the radar--where I don't want to be. You see, I choose this life, and everything in it.
I don't choose people's actions but I choose my responses to them. I choose my interpretations, and I choose my risk level.
Do you know how many rocks I've looked under when it comes to men?
I can't even begin to tell you. There is an imbalance. I am an extreme risk taker there, I think. Whereas, careerwise, I just settle for something blah blah blah because it's dependable and pays my bills. In my family, I just settle for superficial conversations because I can avoid confrontation--and in life, I demand OTHER people be accountable for what is said and unsaid.

There is an abundance of money, joy and love in the universe. It is there for the taking. MY taking. Somewhere I know why I choose not to take.
You see, Kurt, this is my soul selling. In my heaven on earth, also exists a hell of sorts--that I have created. That I have the power to recreate. If only I'd let go.

The following took me away for a few minutes.







At my job I get to hold new babies all the time. As she smiled at me, I took into my arms the child attached to this hand. This child weighed 3 lbs 9oz at birth. Today she weighs in at just over 4and a half pounds. She's so teeny. She and I held each other for a bit this morning. Not for even one split second did I think about choices. Quite honestly, I held her thinking she'd fit inside my womb. I thought of nothing but peace, love and joy.
How appropot was it for Mick Jagger to be singing to me this morning on my way to work...."you can't always get what you waaaant. you can't always get what you waaaant. but if you try sometimes. you just might find. you get whatcha need...."
thanks, Mick~

another day in paradise

So, without notice, I abandoned my blog.
I just didn't feel like spending time to write about what was/is happening in my life. I still don't.

I knew I wouldn't get voted number one red hot anything, so that was no surprise...

I got my nose pierced, as you know. (still trying to be inconspicuous at work...so far, so good) and yes, MamaK...we went to 23rd street. from what I understand that 's the ONLY place you're supposed to go.

Did you know it's illegal to get a tattoo in Oklahoma???

Spent an incredibly awkward week at my mom's. I can't explain it, and I don't have the juice to spend trying to confront her about it. Instead I do nothing, and internalize it...stressing my poor lima bean adrenals even more.

The chiropractor formerly known as my crush...who, turns out, is a cool person to have kept around as a friend. All was not lost there. He moves to Denver tomorrow, though. I helped him pack all day sunday, and was relieved he didn'[t need my help yesterday.

I met someone, (we'll call him cute guy) who I thought I'd be starting something with...BUT after talking everyday for a week, and spending the better part of 3 days together, he said he has to clean up a previous mess. I can't help but feeling defective--even though I'm not and I know it. He explained it all out, and it seems at about the same time Mr Arlt was giving me the royal lying to, he was experiencing much the same thing. I know that immediately following my own debacle, I really wasn't ready either. I don't get it though. Maybe I do get it, and I just don't want to see the rug out from under me. again. Before Christmas, my plate was totally clean. and then shows up cute guy. I had no irons in the fire to keep me from devoting full attention to this exciting new thing. I realize that CD making and daily phone calls do not translate into anything other than CDs and phone calls....BUT you'd have a hard time convincing me there isn't something wrong.
He's not an asshole. He didn't do anything wrong. I'm not better off without him, Dad, if he can't see how great I am.
Do people take time/space/clean up messes, and then after a while pick up where they left off? I know it's only been a short time. I know I'll live. I always do. and it's not just him, but today...life doesn't feel that good.
Oh yeah, I've gained 17.5 pounds since October 5.
That helps.

Other men have been resurfacing for some reason...the guy who dumped me for fear of obesity, has been emailing me--the other day he told me to be showered and at my house by 430, as he'd be having beaver for dinner. I can't tell you how touched I was by THAT proposition.
A different guy from 2 YEARS ago wrote to me last night. Apologizing for running away when he realized he could fall in love with me. oops. Wants to have dinner and talk about what our future holds. (did I mention he has made several contacts on the past year and a half, wanting to do something...only to stand me up and never call) I agreed to have dinner with him. Hell, there's really nobody I have been unable to forgive...not sure about any future with him...but I'll hear his schpeel.

In an nutshell-I don't feel funny, smart, sexy, or worthy.
I know this isn't productive.
Oh well.
sue me.


Here I am on NYE...I LOOK happy~
deceiving, eh?